Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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