How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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