New invention idea: vibrating tampons
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he was CRYING into my vagina
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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