Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
