Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
