just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are these your boobs on my camera?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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