Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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