ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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