if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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