She said her name was "party"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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