I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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