You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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