I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
