I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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