I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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