You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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