At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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