Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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