My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
