dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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