Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
