i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
