There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
