the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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