I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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