i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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