Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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