My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
