my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
