hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
