NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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