the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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