getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
