just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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