Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
