I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
