I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
