he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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