not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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