I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
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I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.