overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.