In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
