Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
