This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
