OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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