Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
