She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
