PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Hippo gnu deer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
