I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
