When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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