she woke up with a sticky ear
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
