Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Randomize
