Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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