Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
