Your mouth is God's brothel.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
