Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
