Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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