Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
