he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I have tasted many bathrooms
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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