Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
