fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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