I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
