I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
